they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
