Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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