My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
