Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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