If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
