I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
