the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
