I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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