Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Randomize
