i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
