the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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