??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
