Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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