Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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