I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
