dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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