im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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