Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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