i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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