Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
