I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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