he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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