my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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