I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I need to sanitize my soul.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
