Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
