alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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