Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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