I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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