I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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