Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
