I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
