he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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