and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
