I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
