Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
