apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
