Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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