Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
