yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
