ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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