Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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