Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
