So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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