Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
