I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
