I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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