She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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