The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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