Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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