theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
