totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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