First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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