you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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