I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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