her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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