I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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