I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
