It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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