Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you inspire me to be a worse person
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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