I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
