So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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